As I write this, I find it hard to stop the tears from falling. I woke up to Snapchat stories...

As I write this, I find it hard to stop the tears from falling. I woke up to Snapchat stories with black screens and the letters "R.I.P." and a text from one of my closest friends delivering the news. I feel sorrow, shock, anger, and regret. Regardless of all the news stories and confirmations, I still feel like you're going to call me like you used to with a blocked number and a "guess who?". 

Ironically, we met at the funeral of our mutual friend. His death took Ottawa's youth urban community by storm and different neighborhoods, schools, and friends all came together to celebrate his life; you led many of the celebrations. If there's one thing I can give you credit for, it's your ability to uplift other's moods regardless of the situation. You took Julio's mourning and turned it into a celebration of a life once lived. ​​Although that period of time was traumatic for me, I'm glad I got a friend out of it and that friend

was you. We went through a lot over the past 5-6 years that I won't delve into here but you know what I'm talking about. There was a point in our friendship where I considered you to be my best friend and even though we grew apart, I still knew you'd always have my back no matter what, something you've proved to me multiple times.

If you saw me crying now, you'd call me a fish and tell me to stop being so emotional. You'd laugh at me and tell me this is what I get for being too busy. Regardless of the circumstance, you'd still find a way to make me laugh about it and somehow, you'd get me to participate in your goon-like activities by pouring out a drink for you. But I can't sit here and pretend it doesn't hurt. I feel like the universe finally had enough of my shit and this is like a reality check for putting work above my loved ones. I stopped having time for you, I'd give you false hope that we would hang out, I'd make empty plans all because I was "busy". I never hit you up first and it was all me. I'm the one who became a bad friend and who forgot what the definition of loyalty meant. You, on the other hand, were always supportive, always down to see me, and you would do anything for me (remember that one time at McDonald's?). 


It's funny because I know how annoyed you'd be right now that everyone knows your government name. You'd tell me to call you by your name, T-rex because no government names allowed, right? So for the first time, I'll respect it haha, I'll address you by your friggen' street name. I'll never forget that huge, iced out emblem of an actual T-rex that you'd carry hung around your neck on a gold chain; I'd make fun of you for it because you were just so extra but then again, that was just who you were.

(faces blurred to protect anonymity) 

That said, considering how close we were, I figured I'd give you more of a respective memorial considering news outlets will most likely delve into unimportant details and use descriptions that don't portray who you were truly. Many people knew you and they knew you as Upland's number one gangsta' lol, you were always up to no good but always watching out. Our friendship, however, was different because I was just some nerd who didn't even smoke weed and had curfew but I took a liking to you and your goofy personality. 


I remember always getting calls from 1800 numbers or from a strange number that would 3way your call to me. I remember always getting upset at you because you were in the bin again and I was disappointed. I was scared you'd get locked up for a crazy amount of time and I'd never see you again but now that I think of it, I wish I was still getting those calls instead of this news. It was great because somehow, even though you were locked up and basically kept away from society, you still had so much drama! You'd call me and tell me about it and I'd just shake my head and tell you about my drama-less life. You were a player, a gangster, and a goon but one thing's for sure, lil' old Trex definitely had a soft side; one I'm glad I got to meet. 


You were the type to call up a boy that was being mean to me and scare him so he'd leave me alone. You were the type to make sure I never got fucked over or bamboozled in a trap world I had no comprehension of. You were the type to let me cry to you when our friend died and I barely knew you. You were the type to give the shirt off your back to one of your friends in need. You were tough but you were kind hearted and genuine. I don't know why you were such a ride or die, especially for people who didn't deserve it, but if there's one thing I'll always remember you for, it's how good of a friend you were. You were unique and genuine, not something you'd find often. We beefed a lot and would drift in and out of communication but at the end of the day, when it came down to it, you were one of my A1 day 1's.


With that being said, we shared so many memories together. We have so many inside jokes and so many conversations that no one knows of. In fact, not many people would expect a friendship like ours; I'm mostly to blame for that but Trex, you were definitely my friend, regardless of where life took us. When 21 Savage's song "Bank Account" came out, I'd always sing the lyrics to my boyfriend but replace it with your name: "I got 1 shooter ready to gun you down, and it's trex" just because of how ride or die you were haha.  Anyway, I'm glad I got to see you in December - it was brief but I gave you one last hug. I wish I could've let you into my life more and made time for you but I genuinely would've never expected this. I once had a dream that something similar to this happened to you and I was just crying in my dream. It's insane that the dream would lead to reality...


I sang this for Julio once, but I'll repeat it for you now: "how many niggas fell victims to the streets? rest in peace young nigga, there's a Heaven for a G". 


Tell Julio I say hi.